She's gone.

[Doc Pepper]

She's gone. My avatar is no more. She got the needle at 12:15 pm today. In just a few days, she had wasted away. Her muscle tone was gone. Her MUSCLES were gone. She could not stand up, she could not sit, she could not lay down. She had been excreting blood for about a month. Yesterday her jaw swelled up and for the first time in our relationship, she approached me without cause. She did not want food, she did not want water. She did not even want to ride in the truck. Yet throughout all of this, she never complained. At the vet, she was a totally different animal. She completely ignored me. The nurse was able to lead her away from me into the room without the least of resistance. Never before did she so willingly leave my side. Ten minutes later, while in my arms, she was gone.
Eleven and a half years ago, I had lost my previous dog when she was mauled by a pack of javelina. She survived the attack but fell off the table within days. I swore that I would NEVER get another dog. But a few days afterward I would find my yard gate open or smell the urine of cats in the yard. So, after a few weeks, I decided to get a yard dog. I definitely did not want another companion animal; it was simply too painful to put them down. I looked for another few weeks until I found her. She was 3 years old and at least 15 pounds under-weight and animal control refused to give her to me because they were sure that she was about to die. But there was something about her that I could not shake. So I persisted and she was mine. At least temporarily for the next thirty days, dependent upon whether I could keep her alive.
When asked to name her, I saw how sickly she was, how orange her coat was, and thought how short her life was going to be, and I thought of that kid on South Park who died in some comical way every week. So, I named her Kenny. But my friends kept complaining that you could not name a female animal Kenny, so I changed it to Kenniegirl.
When I got her home, she would not eat. I tried all different types of food with no success. Well, I am a lifelong troubleshooter, not prone to hesitation, so I took her out into the desert for a long walk. I figured that if she was going to die, let's get it over quick. For an emaciated animal, she pulled so hard on that leash that I was completely exhausted after the mile and a half walk. But when we got home, she actually nibbled on some food. So it became a habit. Every morning we would go for a long walk in the desert. For 11 years, rain or shine, at least 1 long walk every day.
That second day, I just could not hold onto that leash, so I simply let it go. She had that chip in her. If I lost her, she would end up back at animal control (something I promised her when we left that place. If you don't run away, you will never again go back there.) As expected, she would wander away, so I began to play a lifelong game with her. If she got more than 50 feet away, I would hide behind a large boulder or bush and simply wait. Sure enough, She would find me every time and I could see in her eyes a great relief. Eventually, and it did not take long, she never left my side. But on this second day, she eyed a rabbit and took off. I did not think much of it at first, but about 40 minutes later, I thought that I lost her. I searched for over an hour to no avail. Eventually I gave up and headed back to the truck, where she was sitting on its hood. It was at that time that I realized that she was a keeper.
It was about a week later that I discovered that she was half coyote. You may not know this, but you can't train a coyote like you do a dog. I got angry at her once and she refused to come near me for three weeks.
In these past 11 plus years, she has been hit by an SUV, bitten, attacked, or stung by every type of creature that Arizona can offer, and was spayed TWICE. But she never complained. Once a friend I was visiting accidentally left her in his spare garage. We searched the plains for hours, looking for an animal that never leaves its owner's side. We called for her. She never answered. She just sat quietly in that garage until we re-opened the door.
I was actually thrown off of Kitt Peak Mountain because of her. She had become so trustworthy that I never even thought about the leash, but a hyper frightful guide panicked so much and put up such a stink that I ended up facing helicopter police, reservation police, a county sheriff and of course the Kitt Peak Observatory management, who all decided that it would be better if both she and I were to get off of the mountain and never return.
We went everywhere together. The supermarket, stores, vacations, friends. She even worked herself into the local bowling alley once (we still don't know how she got through the door). everybody loved her. well everybody except for a certain white shepherd dog that a friend owned. They seemed to find a reason to attack each other whenever they got together. Yet both were the most loveable animal when they were alone.
It took me a year to stop her from bringing me rattlesnakes. At least, most of them were dead when I found them on the kitchen floor. Although I still think there is one hiding somewhere in the spare bedroom. At night I can hear rattling in my dreams.
For the last five years of my job, I would bring her with me to work sites. She absolutely loved riding in that big lift truck. Of course the boss hated it, as did some of the workers on the other shifts who constantly complained about hairs in their coffee while they were driving (there weren't any). Eventually I left that job because of the political incorrectness of owning a coydog.
Once I was travelling all the way into northwest New Mexico, when I realized that she, who had been quiet for at least 8 hours, must have needed to go outside. So in the middle of nowhere (really, you haven't been lost until you visited the nether reaches of New Mexico), I opened the truck door. What happen next surprised me. She hit the ground at least 20 feet from the truck and took off. Apparently she eyed a deer. I saw her run after that deer, at least a quarter mile away until they were both over the horizon. For the second time in our relationship, I thought she was gone. But a few hours of looking, standing on the truck toolbox with binoculars, and driving all along that dirt road, I finally found her. But instead of running to me, she sort of waddled. And I noticed that her gut was swollen. I first thought "No! She couldn't have eaten that deer." But at least I had her again. I was so relieved that I forgot why I went to New Mexico, and just drove back home. On the way, I kept smelling skunk. It was raining and I had the windows open. (I always had to have the windows open or she would panic. Rain, shine, cold, heat. didn't matter. If we were in the truck the windows were open). I just figured that I kept driving past skunks that ran into the road to escape the flooded prairie and got run over by cars. But I never saw anything in the road.
I tried to smell the coyote while driving but she smelled normal. Then I noticed that she farted. and sure enough, there was that skunk smell. That was when I learned that a coyote's favorite food is rotting skunk carcass.
There were so many other adventures that we shared over these past 11 plus years. But it will all soon become nothing more than a memory. She is my very first animal of which I do not have a photograph.
Somewhere in the deep recesses of my moral fiber, I know that I did the right thing. Even the vet said she would not have lived more than a few days, and they would have been painful ones. But it doesn't detract from the fact that I just killed my beloved companion. This is my third euthanasia. And it never gets easy. I have wiped the tears from my keyboard at least three times since sitting down to write this memorial.
This morning, we went for a walk. All the time I knew this was her last walk. She did not know, but I did. She moved so slowly. even her excited bursts of spontaneity were nothing more than a slow movement. I felt so guilty. I was actually thinking of the relief I would feel not having this old dying animal holding me down. How could something think like this. What was wrong with me.
Now I go home to a house with uneaten dog food. Water dishes that still have the water in them, never again to be lapped up, and dog hair. Yes dog hair. Lots of dog hair. Dog hair on the floor. Dog hair on the bed. Dog hair in the bathtub. Dog hair in the cupboard.
I knew this girl longer than I have known ANY female of ANY species. I just lost my best friend.
One thing is for sure. No more dogs for me. I can't go through anymore.

[unibody madness]

Doc, how sad it is to hear she is gone. I myself have watched the light go out of too many beloved canine family members' eye's. I know that may not help, but I always manage to either talk myself or be talked back into just one more. I always manage to have the new addition heal the hurt in my heart by allowing the love they give do it's magic.

[slick4x4]

Doc.. I'm glad to see you posting here
Very sad to hear about your loss
Amazing that you got a 1/2 coyote to be trained at all
I know of several guys that tried to raise coyotes from pups , with zero success
You guys had a lot of adventures together

[jeepbut]

I am sorry for your loss.

[Johnny Canuck]

[Lowell]

Sorry to hear about your dog,we lost our dog last thanksgiving day , and we still miss her terribly

[Fanatic]

Sorry to hear this Doc. I remember the previous pup. There is nothing that will end the loneliness, but I do know that YOU gave two dogs a REAL life. That you can be proud of !

[6166 Junkyard Dog]

Doc I feel your pain ,, all of us here on the site know how much we all love our 4 legged friends,, us personally between me and Kathy have had many and as we get older it can be tough, when Dakota died we had to leave her in Ontario, Calif. for all the prep for 5 days and it was not good I would say it's = to losing one of your family members or best friends in life,, and you will never get over it, just enjoy all the memories that you had

[FlintMich]

I'm not gonna lie. My eyes teared up while reading this. 2 weeks ago, my wife let our 8 year old red Doberman Ruby out to play with the grandsons. When she called to her, she didn't come running like she always had. We went to look for her and I found her laying in the back yard. She was gone but still warm. No marks, no sign of a struggle. If her eyes weren't open she would have appeared to be sleeping. It was sudden and completely unexpected. The worst part of it was when my wife saw her and she immediately fell apart. It was brutal. Best we can figure, it was her heart. She'd been on steroids for a few years to treat a form of canine Lupus and the vet says steroids can cause heart problems. Our only bit of solace is that it was quick. One minute she was running around, playing with the boys, the next thing we knew, we were kneeling over her, holding her and sobbing.

I cannot imagine your pain, watching your Kenniegirl slowly succumb to whatever took her from you. I guess in a way we were spared that with Ruby. But many of my previous dogs were not so fortunate. So in a way I can relate to that sort of pain. Our dogs are family. It is horrible when we lose one. I agree with a previous post that it can be as bad as losing a family member or a close friend. So why do we put ourselves through that pain? Why do we bring a dog or cat into our lives, knowing that we will most likely outlive them (several of them) and knowing that, in the end, the pain of losing them will be so brutal?

I can only answer for myself. My answer is "because it's worth it". The years of unconditional love and loyalty is worth it. The jumping and licking when you walk in from an absolutely crappy day out in the world - it's worth it. When you're sad, sick or hurting and they sense it and they come to you and curl up at your feet or cuddle in your lap just to have contact with you as if to say that they are there for you - it's worth it. When they do some of the hilarious quirky things that pets do such as running into the kitchen when they hear you putting ice in your glass because she wants her cube too, or scaring the crap out of you by standing next to your bed and being nose to nose with you when you open your eyes in the morning (too many times to count) - it's totally worth it. And from the sound of it, your girl was an absolute riot! Between the rattlesnakes and skunk farts, you had me cracking up as I read your memorial. Those are the things I'm referring to. Those things make it worth the pain. They make it worth the loss.

When I think of people who've never had a dog in their life, I pity them. Not in a condescending way but because I know the love and the joy that comes with having a dog or cat in my life and to think that they've never experienced that, it saddens me for them. I think they are really missing out. Yes it sucks to have to potty train a new puppy. Nothing makes you appreciate how awesome your previous dog was more than starting over with a new puppy - lol. Dog owners know EXACTLY what I'm talking about there - lol. And yeah, they can sometimes be a bit of a burden when you want to travel and you cant take them with you. And yes, the vet bills are absolutely criminal these days! But again, at least to me, it's all worth it.

I know you're hurting and still feeling the loss. But I hope that some day you'll be able to open your heart again to some furry little psycho that needs a loving home. As hard as it is for us to even consider a new dog right now - with Ruby's passing being so recent, the wife and I have been talking about it. The void in our lives is just asking to be filled. And we know that if we don't get a puppy very soon, we'll have to wait until after Spring. Trying to potty train a puppy in the winter here in Michigan can be a nightmare - don't ask me how I know. haha.

Will a new puppy replace Ruby? Of course not. Not ever. Regardless of how awesome the dog ends up being. But then again, Ruby never "replaced" Buddy, or Moe Dee (don't ask) or Toro or any of the others that came before her. Each one is different and unique. And to compare one to another is like comparing your kids. Ya just can't. And no other dog will ever replace your Kenniegirl. But that doesn't mean you can't ever love another one.

So like I said, I hope you're able to heal and, when the time is right, I hope you find the right dog at the right time. I apologize for writing a book here. I just read over what I've typed so far and wow - what a blow-hard! lol I think maybe I needed to write this for my own therapy too - lol. Like I said, reading your post really moved me. So I wish you the best and I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Be well Doc.
And rest in peace Kenniegirl.

[Alan Mclennan]

Sorry to hear of your loss Doc, it's a hard thing losing a friend like that.

[Doc Pepper]

Her name is Jordan. She is a 16 month old Shepherd/Wolf mix. She is currently 85 pounds of totally unbridled canine passion.My heart beat has been irregular since I got her 2 days ago. She gets the big "O" next Wednesday. Pictures to come.

[slick4x4]

Good to see you post Doc

[unibody madness]

good to hear Doc waiting for pics

[orangeRcode]

We lost our 11 year old Sheltie so know how the loss of a fur baby can leave a hole in your heart.

Sorry for your loss.

[Doc Pepper]

Well, that didn't last long. She was being spayed when the vet called me to tell me there were complications. But because I did not answer the phone immediately, they closed her up without doing the repair.
(NOTE: Sorry about slow responses, but my only internet access is from the local library.)

[slick4x4]