A few funnies

[willy3486]

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely
> ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
> check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
> Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
> forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items
> would you like to buy?"
> Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!




> Because they had no reservations at a busy resta urant, my elderly
> neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a
> table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We
> may not have 45 minutes."
> They were seated immediately.



> The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they
> would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.



> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
> aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
> her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front
> pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
> broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
> back his credit card.
>


> Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get
> used to the idea.



> Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
> your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
> you, what would you like them to say?"
> Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
> fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."


> Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
> and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
>

> Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"



> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
> God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years
> mean to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A minute"
> Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A penny."
> Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
> The Lord replies, "In a minute."



> A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
> and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
> The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very
> surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm
> telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
> The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll
> see what I can find out and I 'll let you know."
> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your
> wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
> advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison